Here’s the story

I went to pick up stain for an outdoor project.  Before I left, my husband and I discussed color and type.  We agreed on color but we had different opinions on type.  I preferred to go with semi-transparent he wanted what ever lasted longer, which he thought might be a solid. We decided I should ask at the store.

At the store I asked the clerk what lasted longer, semi-transparent or solid stain.  He asked where we were using it and I told him.  He started by saying that they were pretty much the same and that with out winters we would get 3-4 good years.  Well, that left me with no clear answer as to which I should buy according to conversation I had with my husband.  If they both lasted the same, which did he prefer…we didn’t discuss that before I departed.  So I told the clerk, “Let me call the boss and see what he wants.”  The clerk looked at me with a face of surprise and said to me, “That’s not usually how it works.  Kudos to the boss. ”  I simply smiled.

I am sure paint store employees are no strangers to the wife making decisions.  That’s all well and good if the husband has delegated those decisions to her.  But if she is simply having her way, then that is not honoring to the Lord.  What’s the big deal, you ask?

Here’s the point

Wives,  God instructs us to respect her husband (Ephesians 5:33), as believers  He instructs us to love our neighbors as ourselves (Matthew 22:39) and to prefer others above ourselves (Philippians 2:3).  If we are “pulling rank” simply because “he has no taste” or some other excuse, we are not glorifying God…even in the little things.

What is your marriage portraying?

So what about you?  Do you convey to the world that you are under the protective authority of your husband?  Does your husband know this without a doubt?  Is your heart joyfully there?  It is not enough to put on a show to the world  that your husband is the “boss” if within the dynamics of your relationship your husband must seek your permission to lead (see Puffer Fish article).  Christ was submissive to the father “even unto death” (Philippians 2:8); will you be submissive even unto paint colors?

My Nemesis – Yard Work!

Every year spring came and with it comes the chore I dreaded most…yard work.  We all trudged out to the yard to rake and pick up sticks and debris left by the winter.  And I was none too happy about it…just ask my kids and husband!  For many years I would go out without saying a word but it was evident in my demeanor that I did not enjoy being out there.  I reasoned that I had other tasks that needed my attention.  I was sure there was a window that needed washing, a meal to be made, even a toilet to be scrubbed before I could find “spare” time to do the miserable yard work.

As the years went on, I became more vocal about my disdain for raking and the like.  At first it was small comments that I didn’t “prefer” it.  Then I just didn’t like it.  Finally, I just proclaimed that I “hated” it.  And besides, it hurt my back.  (While it was true that I had a sore back, I think my heart was in worse shape than my back.)

My husband, dear sweet man that he is, couldn’t ask me to do a chore that I so vehemently opposed so I was off the hook. I “enjoyed” a few years off, but really I did not have much joy.  I should have been happy, but alas, I was not.  I felt very guilty as I watched through the windows as my family toiled.  Even “toiling” inside the house while they were working outside or making them a nice meal to welcome them did not ease my discomfort.  You see, God was working in my selfish heart.

Last year, I went back out to the yard to help.  I told my husband that I loved him more than I hated yard work and pitched in.  But since I still hadn’t changed my mantra of hating yard work, again, my dear sweet husband sent me in after I had assisted for a while.

This year I went out to the yard before my husband had a chance.  He was working extra at his job and I knew that he had an upcoming trip and was feeling the pressure of the yard needing attention.  I did it with a prayer in my heart.  ”Dear Lord”, I prayed, “Please allow my back to hold up to this chore so I can bless my husband.”  And bless him, it did!  He was so pleased with the little bit of raking that I had done that it really touched my heart.  This time I simply told him that I loved him…dropping the emphasis on the hating of the yard work.

A week or so later it came time to spread the mulch around the yard.  My husband was going to be gone that afternoon so I told him I would do what I could. I prayed before and while I worked that God would help me do the work ahead of me.  I prayed also that it would bless my husband.  I don’t think either my husband or I expected what would happen that afternoon.  I spend 5 hours spreading 2 1/2 yards of mulch around our yard, raking up under bushes and pulling weeds.  It turned out that I was able to finish the entire task.  And you know what?  I ENJOYED IT!

God Moved

God changed my heart that afternoon.  He gave me a joy for a chore that has now become a something I could love doing.  Let me explain how this happened.  First, I chose to love the Lord by following His command to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:30-31).  My husband is my closest neighbor and it definitely shows love to him when I do these sort of things.  Second, instead of following my feelings and letting my feelings determined my actions, I did the actions first and let my heart follow.  Finally, and this is the most important, God answered my prayer, allowing me the strength to do that task and as a bonus He gave me a changed heart.

So you see, I cannot really take any credit at all for the result but I can sure enjoy the blessings of my God and King.  Now…I need to start praying about that pesky ironing.  :)

With that thought, here are a few things to actively love your husband:

1. Make his favorite meal

Most guys have a meal that they really enjoy.  Go ahead and make that tonight. If it’s not what you prefer to eat and were hoping for something else, just remember that love is not “self-seeking”.  I Cor 13:5

2.  Greet him with a kiss and warm embrace

When he returns home (or when you return if you return after him), greet him affectionately with an embrace and a kiss that says “I love you” most.  This means stop what you are doing and purposely pause to communicate this to him…not just a quick “hi” and a glancing peck.

3.  Tell him you missed him

This may sound silly, but it communicates that you’d rather be together than apart even if it was only for a little while.

These are just some very basic ideas on how Loving Your Husband can be put into action.  What are your favorite ways to actively love your husband?   Better yet, what are his favorite ways for you to show you love him?

Many wives find themselves in this situation in their homes.  A husband remains silent in matters of many, if not all things that need leadership.  It may be concerning the raising the children to which church the family attends.  Wives want to nag, conjole, and plead.  Husbands are served pamphlets for breakfast, CDs for lunch and Bible study books for dinner. Or at least, that is what the wife would like to do.

Have you made it easy for him?

But let me ask you this:  Was there a time he did lead?  Or at least try to?  Perhaps he handled the kids in a different way than you would have liked.  Or maybe he wanted to go to a church that you did not prefer? (that is only addressing preferences, not doctrinal flaws)   Maybe it started as simple as where you went to eat for your “date night”.  How did you respond?  What sort of message did you convey to him?  Did you show lack of approval or support for his decisions?  Did you even get angry, belligerent  or sulky.  Could he tell simply from your body language and countenance that he did not meet your approval?  Did this become a habit over the years?  I guess what I am really asking is this:  Do you want him to lead or do you want him to lead your way?  Has he learned over the years (perhaps it even began when you were dating), that whatever he decided would either meet opposition or disapproval from you?  Did you change or go against what he decided?  Perhaps you even told him he wasn’t the brightest bulb for his decision, or at least insinuated it.

A wife once said to me that her husband didn’t care about the decisions regarding the kids.  Those around the couple could see very well that Dad did indeed care about the children and was involved.  It was also clear that the only decision the wife truly supported was the one she made. So Dad was keeping the peace and taking in the home by allowing the wife to lead.  (Now, I will admit that it is not right for the husband to allow the wife to make all the decisions just because it makes life easier.  But this isn’t about the husband and I am not writing for them.)  The wife also made it clear that she saw herself as the more “godly” of the two., which seem to give her the justification she needed.

The Problem

The problem here, Dear Wife, is that, regardless on who is more “mature”, or what ever other excuse you have for not truly following your husband, God has an order for things.  God has structured the family according to His infinite wisdom.  Ephesians 5:23  For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.

We all will give an account one day of how well we fulfilled OUR role in the home.  How well have we encouraged our husband in the leading in our home will be a good measure of our heart toward our role and God’s sovereignty.

Some Encouragement

Proverbs 21:1 The king’s heart is like channels of water in the hand of the Lord; He turns it wherever He wishes.

Psalm 103:19 The LORD has established His throne in the heavens, And His sovereignty rules over all.

Our encouragement comes from the Lord, our God.  He has told us in His word that he is sovereign.  This means that he is aware about and cares greatly about the matters in your home.  He also knows what is best for you and for your husband.  His word tells us that the husband is the head, who are we to argue?  Did we create the world and all that is in it?

Another thing to keep in mind is that God can change our husband’s mind.  He can turn it “wherever He wishes.”  It is not our duty to change our husband’s mind to our way of thinking.  We may respectfully share our opinion that the kids shouldn’t have ice cream right before bed, but it is our duty to convey a gentle, quiet spirit if our husband decides that they may.  We may pray that God will change our husband’s mind about which car we are to purchase.  But if He doesn’t, we need to trust that God is wiser than us and He wants what is best for us.  What is best for us is Him.  We can learn more about who He is when we lay aside our desires and seek to honor Him.

May our trust remain in the Lord and His sovereignty.

~ Joy Arthur

Ephesians 4:15  ”Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.”

Ephesians 4:25 “ Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.”

For many years in my marriage I did not speak the truth, let alone in love.  For the first eleven years of our marriage I kept quiet on almost every thing, whether I agreed or not…whether it was biblical or not.  Did that mean that all was good?  Well, for my husband, it was.  He thought everything was fine.

For me, however, because of my thoughts and attitude, it was a different story.  I became very hard-hearted and bitter, not to mention angry.  Until I got to a breaking point that made me decide to start speaking.  He was going to hear what I thought, whether he liked it or not.  My intention was not godly in any way…my intention was purely selfish.

I had no idea what a ride that would be!  It took our marriage on a troublesome voyage that lasted for many years. After many years of bottled up bitterness what came out of my mouth was not the truth in love as instructed in the Bible, but was a vile, wretched poison.  And to my shame, our children, friends, and family had a front row seat to the debacle.

By God’s grace, my husband and I went to see a NANC Counselor.  There we began to learn God’s  way of communicating.  The counselor took us through Four Rules of Communication. These are some the lessons I learned…quite awkwardly, I admit.

Speak!

First off, I was wrong to not have spoken in the first place.  It is a command from God to speak.  For me to not speak was being deceitful.  I was not being fair to my husband by not speaking to him 1 Cor 2:11 clearly tells me my husband can’t read my mind. .  I didn’t speak but I also didn’t forget.  Things would fester as I mulled them over and over in my mind, turning my heart into a bitter cesspool.  I had more than a root of bitterness (Hebrews 12: 15), I had an entire tree!

When the counselor first explained to us that the word “speak” in Ephesians 4:25 was a command, I began, for the first time, to realize that not all of our marriage troubles were my husband’s fault. I saw for the first time, the log (Luke 6:42)  in my eye.  I was guilty, as well.  I was being selfish by not wanting to do what seemed too difficult to handle…to muddle through the tough communication process to a place of genuineness in our marriage.  It was easier just to stuff it down inside.

Speak the Truth!

Next, I needed to speak the truth.  Not the truth as I saw it, but the truth according to God’s word.  My perceived truth was not God’s truth.  I needed to base my words on the precepts in His word.  Our conflicts were not getting resolved without speaking.

Often times, my husband would perceive that things were not “OK” as I had stated.  I was being deceitful as I would portray my puffer fish reaction.  There was a definite conflict between my words and my body language.

Speak the Truth in LOVE!

Finally, motivation needed to be pure and holy for God’s glory, not for my comfort. My words needed to be spoken out of love for God and my love for my husband, for building him up in his walk with the Lord.  I needed to speak with my husband’s best interest in mind, as defined by God.

I’ve seen wives post status updates that portray their husbands as immature children to infuriating imbeciles. Or it is sometimes more subtle…like “I made Joe do ________.” Which doesn’t exactly portray an attitude of submission, now does it?  They may believe it is “safe” because their husband isn’t on Facebook, so he will never know.  Perhaps the husband is on Facebook and she wants him to know.  Whatever the case, let’s see what the Word has to say.

Respect Your Husband

Ephesians 5:33 Clearly states that we are to see to it that we respect our husband.  We are to do this in word, deed, AND Facebook status update.  Clearly, posting “I am so mad at Tom right now!  I can’t believe he is so childish” is not showing him respect as honoring to the Lord.

No Course Joking

Ephesians 5:4 instructs us on the types of words that come out of our mouths…or out on a computer screen.  It is not acceptable to disrespect your husband and label it as “joking”.  Words can uplift or tear down.  What are your words saying to your husband or about your husband?  What are they saying about where your heart is?

How it backfires

So this morning before your husband left for work, you and he disagreed about something.  It may have even been an all out fight.  So, you call your mom and tell her how horrible it was for you.  She can’t believe the things he said to you!  How dare he!  Of course he is wrong!  You feel vindicated because you opinion has been validated.

But later that day your husband returns home. In all likelihood, either you have realized that you were wrong or he has realized he was.  You work it out, you forgive each other and all is well with the world.  Until…

Your mother calls and your husband picks up the phone.  She is cool and aloof with him (or perhaps she lets him “have a piece of her mind”).  You have forgiven any offense, but your mother hasn’t.  And now your husband knows you went running to Momma with your marital issues.  And this could be very difficult to work through without another disagreement starting.

What you should do instead

James 1:4 tells us what the source of quarrels is.  You want your way; he wants his. Most every disputes are boiled down to selfishness.  Once you realize this, it will be of great service to you.  Own up to your part of it.  If you don’t think you had any culpability in it, as yourself these:  Did I speak the truth in love?  Ephesians 4:14-15  Whose interest did I have in mind?  James 3:14-15.  Let’s admit that very seldom are we innocent when there has been a disagreement or argument.

Pray.  Then admit to your husband your wrong and then ask him for forgiveness.  If he asks for forgiveness, then grant it.  Don’t withhold forgiveness…Christ doesn’t when you ask.

For the mom (or sister or best friend)-

If you are the mom of a dearly loved daughter who has reached out to you to share her side, send her back to her husband.  God tells us clearly how to handle conflict.  Mathew 18 spells it out for us.

For yourself, remember that a wise person hears both sides of the story before making judgment. Proverbs 18:17

I am not talking about which row you sit in or even which side of the church.  It doesn’t matter much.  What I am referring to is who you sit next to.  This may seem like an obvious statement to some, but to others it will seem really foreign.  But here goes…Sit…next…to…your…husband!

For those who already do:

Some of you are  surprised that I write this suggestion at all.  But I dare say now you will notice those that are not.  You ask, “who would I sit next to?”  Primarily you will see parents with children in between Mom and Dad.  I say Mom and Dad should sit next to each other and the kids on either side (you can still manage wiggly little ones this way).

For those who don’t:

Why do I suggest this?  First of all, it communicates to you husband that you want to be with him.  That his is your primary focus.  Second, it communicates to your children that the marriage is the important relationship.  It physically shows that Mom and Dad are together.

While we may not always agree with what the President of the United States does or says, it is generally agreed upon to “respect the office” because he was elected  for the job and it is a hard job, at that. Why, then,  do you disrespect your husband?  God placed gave them both authority over you, and even if you didn’t vote for the current president, you did choose to marry your husband. ( See Romans 13:1 about governing authorities.) When you rail against the authority your husband has over you, just remember it is God you are railing against.

“But”, you say, “he doesn’t deserve respect!  You have no idea what he does.”  You’re right that I have no idea what he does.  But, to be blunt, that doesn’t matter.  If you are a follower of Christ and a wife, then you are subject to your husband. Period.

Still reading?  Great!  I’ve said some tough words…no sugar-coating there!  That’s that truth of the matter, but the wonderful truth of God is multi-faceted.  He is not without compassion for his children.  Lamentations 3:22 The trials and difficulties we face (James 1:2) offer us two opportunities, 1. to choose our own way or 2. to give glory to our God and King.

Colossians 3:17

But should he ever DARE to ask me to do something differently, suggest something to make life easier, not agree with what I was saying, not like what I served for dinner, etc., etc., etc.  Then he would have an entirely different wife, altogether.

I can’t imagine that there is much of a sound that comes from a puffer fish when they bristle, it is more of a visual cue.  Likewise, with me.  My dear husband was able to very clearly see me bristle.  And you guessed it…he’d back off.

But let’s look at this behavior from a Biblical perspective.

What was I doing wrong?

First of all, I was not displaying a gentle, quiet spirit and directed in I Peter 3:3-5.

Second, I was not displaying a humble spirit.  In fact, my display showed a rather haughty spirit.  Proverbs 18:12

Not to mention, that although I thought I was “acting” submissive,  Ephesians 5:22, my bristles were a clear sign that my heart was not.

What should I have done?

Well, first, I needed to repent to God for my sinful behavior.

Next, I needed to confess to my husband.  James 5:16

God is gracious and kind and has blessed me with a husband that is also gracious and kind.  However, even if God did not bless me in this way, I am still called to respond in the way that God wants me to…for His glory.

How about you?

Some questions to ask yourself if you are perhaps a “puffer fish”, too.

• Can my husband bring difficult subjects to my attention without a negative reaction?  Not sure?  Do you dare ask him?  That should give you your answer.
• Do you “punish” your husband in any way if he approaches you?
• Are you able to take suggestions?  Or do the suggestions fall on a deaf ear…because he “doesn’t understand”.

If any of these are striking a nerve a bit, you might have “puffer fish” reaction to this article.  You could think “she doesn’t understand my situation”.  But I challenge you with this…When God asks something of you, are there exceptions to when you should follow Him?  Does the Bible instruct you to only be subject to your husband if he happens to agree with you?